Kelly (nitroflory) wrote,
Kelly
nitroflory

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"You can't spell SLAUGHTER without LAUGHTER"

After Sunday, I've realized how much I've changed since the new year. I feel a deep, deep sorrow I can't really explain (only, I can), and a hole which I can't fill (and probably won't for a very long time). I've lost touch with virtually everyone I ever cared about in high school because I can't bring myself to pick up the telephone. Every time I do think about calling, it exhausts me. I don't like uncomfortable silences among two people who are, now, virtually strangers. I'm also afraid of the people I used to be close to. I can't really explain that...

I've found myself thinking, "we're all doomed soon anyways, according to Nostradamos, so why even bother?" I'm terrified of death, ever since I was little and I knew a little girl who died from a mental illness. Since then, I've become a hypocondriac and have had constant anxiety for a large portion of my life.

So pictures and writing have become outlets in which I can express myself without really giving a fuck what people think. I don't care if I'm good or not, I don't do it for you people, I do it for myself (one of the only truly selfish things I can bring myself to do). I don't really like photographing people in a setting because I think they're judging me, which is perhaps why I wasn't so open this Sunday, and also why I enjoy the company of photographing animals more than people. Next Sunday, however, sweet little Courtney and her puppy are my subjects.

Despite the odd air on Sunday, and the fact that I had never before used slide film before, they turned out quite well (only a few overdeveloped images). I'm happy with the compositions and how most turned out.

I'll post some later today after my class, which I have in ten minutes.
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